Hi all, just wanted to share some thoughts with you. As I was walking this morning I started thinking of my weekend and the things I learned from it. My husband and I took a two hour drive back to our childhood town. We actually stayed at my childhood house. My sister owns it now and has had it remodeled since we lived there, but the only thing that is different is the kitchen area the rest is pretty much the same as when we all lived there. I have always found the house to be spooky. I love it in the daytime but at night not so much. But then again if you read my post about being alone at night you know why. Any way I spent most of the weekend talking to my sister.
There was just her my husband and I there. She lost her husband over 20 years ago. We go down there to get tavern fried chicken which you can't get anywhere but there. After we came back from our chicken run we talked. She has lived alone ever since her husband died. She has two house, the one we were at and the one where all her children grew up in about an hour and a half away.
I asked her what she did all day in the winter. In the summer she runs back and forth between the two houses. She said she goes shopping. She said that when she gets bored she jumps in the car and goes to Menards, or Home Goods etc.. Then I asked do you sleep with the lights on at night? She said "Never", " I can see a red light when I go to bed and I think it comes from the phone and it drives me nuts but I can't shut it off." So yours truly being the baby that I am was in a panic just listening to this.
Which brings me back to my walk this morning and this conversation. I realize that my sister has the life that works for her. I wish I could get up in the morning and say now where can I go today. I wish I could stay alone at night and not be terrified but this isn't the case. I have always been afraid of the dark I don't think that fear is going anywhere and after 40 years of agoraphobia my behavior isn't one of being out of the house but is one of being in the house. Even though I don't have many symptoms of agoraphobia anymore it is not in my DNA any more,either to get up and just go. It used to be, I loved just going any where I wanted when I wanted. Agoraphobia changed all that. Even after my symptoms left with my prism glasses I don't feel comfortable just heading out. I always wished I could do the things my sister does without thinking about them but my life is different than hers. I lead a very full life but us human beings always want what we can't have. I spend a lot of my day trading the stock market and the Forex market. I also like to paint with acrylics. Reading is something I love to do it takes me everywhere, my sister doesn't like any of that. I am happy that she has found a way to be happy in her life and now I am making a mental note to accept my life as it is and be happy in it. Life is how you look at it not what you do in it.
Thanks for listening, love you all, Yolanda
There was just her my husband and I there. She lost her husband over 20 years ago. We go down there to get tavern fried chicken which you can't get anywhere but there. After we came back from our chicken run we talked. She has lived alone ever since her husband died. She has two house, the one we were at and the one where all her children grew up in about an hour and a half away.
I asked her what she did all day in the winter. In the summer she runs back and forth between the two houses. She said she goes shopping. She said that when she gets bored she jumps in the car and goes to Menards, or Home Goods etc.. Then I asked do you sleep with the lights on at night? She said "Never", " I can see a red light when I go to bed and I think it comes from the phone and it drives me nuts but I can't shut it off." So yours truly being the baby that I am was in a panic just listening to this.
Which brings me back to my walk this morning and this conversation. I realize that my sister has the life that works for her. I wish I could get up in the morning and say now where can I go today. I wish I could stay alone at night and not be terrified but this isn't the case. I have always been afraid of the dark I don't think that fear is going anywhere and after 40 years of agoraphobia my behavior isn't one of being out of the house but is one of being in the house. Even though I don't have many symptoms of agoraphobia anymore it is not in my DNA any more,either to get up and just go. It used to be, I loved just going any where I wanted when I wanted. Agoraphobia changed all that. Even after my symptoms left with my prism glasses I don't feel comfortable just heading out. I always wished I could do the things my sister does without thinking about them but my life is different than hers. I lead a very full life but us human beings always want what we can't have. I spend a lot of my day trading the stock market and the Forex market. I also like to paint with acrylics. Reading is something I love to do it takes me everywhere, my sister doesn't like any of that. I am happy that she has found a way to be happy in her life and now I am making a mental note to accept my life as it is and be happy in it. Life is how you look at it not what you do in it.
